Introduction
Everything in this article should be unnecessary, yet it has become necessary. Unfortunately, the Muslim community and the general public use an undefined scale to evaluate men for the purposes of getting married and staying married. Men who are hard working, caring, loving husbands find themselves divorced over issues that could be resolved. Good marriages in the West are falling apart because women are being told that they can find someone better, only to find that in reality, they’re leaving good men for an imaginary man that doesn’t exist.
This article will also help men in our communities who are not sure what the opposite sex is looking for; it provides guidance for Muslim men to become better candidates for marriage and good husbands for the long term. For the most part, I don’t believe you can sincerely define the value of a human being or even guarantee happiness in a relationship, but for the purposes of evaluating yourself and even understanding real expectations, this article should be helpful for both sexes.
Let’s start with the framework. I’m using the framework of Islam and evaluating the definition against some common characteristics that women and other men use to define a man that has value. There are three major views I plan to discuss. First, the Islamic framework of a high-value man. Second, a western definition of a high-value man from 2 sources: what men define as high-value in the West (the Red Pill being the most popular) and what most women say qualifies a man as high-value.
Common Terms
Terms that need to be clarified for the purposes of this article:
The Mating Market Place – The entire pool of men and women that are eligible for marriage, in the context of Islam which includes men that are single, as well as men with less than 4 wives. However, for the purposes of this article I will limit the pool to single men.
Value of a Man – the sum of all the different categories that give a man value
The categories will be defined in this article separately, based on three major definitions
- What women in the West say they want (and what they don’t say aloud but also want)
- What common categories are defined by Western frameworks
- What categories are defined by an Islamic framework
High-Value Man – Someone whose sum of all categories is a lot higher than the majority of men in the Mating Market Place
I plan to explain the perspective of the major frameworks that define different categories. After that, I’m going to choose specific categories to define the value of a man. Finally, I’m going to give a breakdown of how to assign value to a man and what a High-Value Man is.
High Value Man in Islam
In Islam the Prophet Muhammad (Peace and Blessings be Upon Him – PBUH) gave advice to men to marry women who are pious, beautiful, have status, and lastly wealth. The most important of those being the first and the least important last. These same traits should be applied to women, but not necessarily in the same order.
Piety
- Belief – God Conciousness
- Prayer – Regular Communication with God
- Fear – Knowing God is Always Watching
- Accountability – God is Going to Judge our Thoughts, Speech, Action and Intentions
- Destiny is in God’s hands
Why are these concepts important? These concepts lead to an overall respect for traits that are most sought after in an ideal candidate like Honesty, Respect and Fidelity. A person who fears God is going to do the right thing whether you’re with him or not. Godly men are less likely to cheat, lie, take advantage of your vulnerabilities, and at the same time more likely to take care of you and your family.
Good habits like regular prayer lead to less anxiety and an overall sense of contentment. In Islam, there are 5 prescribed daily prayers; both you and your husband should make prayers a priority in your life. Regular charity is a requirement in Islam. Giving in the form of volunteering and giving from your wealth to help the less fortunate is a must. Giving alms gives life a sense of purpose and also improves your community and indirectly raises the status of your family.
Status
The next reason to choose a mate, is the status they are bringing to the relationship. If you have an option to marry a prince, or a leader in your community, the status that man brings to you and your family is something to be considered. Status in your community opens doors for economic and cultural growth for you and your children as well as your extended family.
On the opposite spectrum a man who is a professional plumber in a social circle where you are entertaining diplomats, doctors and educated professionals can have the opposite impact on your long term status in your community. The concept of status is subjective: if the same plumber is also very involved in your community (church, mosque life, etc) and helping others, his status may be much higher in your circles than a doctor who is only concerned with his job / making money. So status is subjective, and in the case of making a good decision for marriage a man’s wealth can fluctuate throughout his lifetime but very rarely will his status change if he’s involved in his community.
Wealth
Wealth and success in your career before marriage is something most women look for. However, the potential that a man has to generate wealth is just as important. In Islam, this is not the most important reason to marry someone, however, in the West this is usually the primary gauge for compatibility (also the major reason for divorce in the West).
Beauty
It is important that you are attracted to your spouse. However, most women will find how a man behaves (charisma, manners, humor) a large part of a man’s total attractiveness. A major issue that men have now a days is staying fit; it’s within a woman’s biological nature to be with a man who is able to protect her. Seeing physical fitness in a spouse is a major attribute to a man’s beauty. There are also biological characteristics that a woman will look at that for the most part can’t be changed, for example height (6ft and up are highly sought after), rare eye colors or facial features.
High Value Man Defined by Western Frameworks
One of the only frameworks that has a well-defined definition of a High-Value Man is the Red Pill. The system is based on women’s psychology in the West in general. Here are it’s criteria (not mine):
Wealth
In the West (Red pill mentality), the most important thing a man has to offer is wealth. What most women find acceptable for marriage versus what the common woman thinks the common man makes is way off. To give you an idea, only 15% of American men make over $70 thousand dollars a year. That would be the beginning salary for a high-value man in the West. Yet most women will not entertain the idea of marriage with a man who isn’t making at least 55% more than them. If the average salary for a woman is $50 thousand dollars then more than 50% of women are disqualifying 85% of men as a potential spouse. As we get higher in the income bracket the more limited the man. I will cover some very common misconceptions that women make about income-levels in the West later in the article.
Status
A man with a high status in this day and age is someone who has a lot of followers on social media or has a recognizable name. Status translates to fame, which can also translate to wealth. A high status man in the west usually also has traits that sustain that status. Usually this means the man has confidence, charisma, is goal oriented and hard working (5mins of fame vs. long term success). In general, women are looking for a hardworking man and the perception is that status comes from hard work.
Leadership
Women in general want someone who is going to be a leader. What does that mean? From person to person this is a subjective trait. A high-status man usually has an idea of what he wants in his life and is looking for someone to fit his lifestyle. Overall, most women want someone who is assertive and not necessarily a nice guy (many women like the bad boy because of his confidence). Knowing how to talk to a woman without crossing the ‘line’ (losing your temper) is very important (holding your frame). Women will say things that are emotionally charged and a man who maintains his frame has to be able to manage those situations when they occur.
Attraction
Lowest on the list of things that women look for in a long-term relationship, but still very important is Sexual Attraction. A high-status man is someone who understands and actively works on being more desirable to women. That includes being physically fit, having good hygiene and dressing appropriately.
The way women view attraction includes these physical traits but combine it with wealth, status and leadership and you have the highest caliber of high-value man.
High Value Man Defined by Women in the West
There are thousands of articles and books written about what women are looking for in a man. I’ve taken a lot of those ideas and mixed with conversations I’ve had with women, condensed them into the following concepts that women ‘say’ they want.
Communication
Women in the west when asked about what they’re looking for in a long-term relationship want someone who is a good communicator. What does that mean? He has command of the English language? No. This is more of a feeling for women, sometimes called ‘The Vibe’. A good communicator is someone who can express himself without getting emotional. A lot of times a woman will look at how you interact with other people to judge your ability to communicate, such as how you interact with waiters/waitresses, hired help as well as your friends and family.
Humor
A woman wants a man who can make them laugh or laugh with them and make difficult conversations something easy to discuss. This is also a big part of communication but, humor is a dual edged sword, because if you’re self deprecating or constantly joking women can look at you as a clown and completely disregard you as a potential candidate.
Status
A woman wants someone who has status but having that status needs to translate into support and encouragement for their own endeavors. Wow, you’re a pilot… GREAT!!!! … Oh you can’t fly family and friends around… see you later.
Sensitivity
A man who is willing to be vulnerable in a long-term relationship is something sought after (that’s what women say). Someone who has emotional intelligence and can empathize with a woman’s feelings, especially because a woman’s emotions can vary and even sometimes become erratic so knowing your partner is important and being able to navigate those difficult times is a game changer for women.
Assessing a High Value Man
Now that we’ve defined the characteristics of a High-Value Man, let’s see how many of these men are out there.
We don’t have exact numbers but we can extrapolate from general data the Pew Research Center’s 2017 report estimates that about 3.45 million Muslims live in the US so they make up about 1.1% of the population. Women outnumber men in general, so let’s say that 40% of the 3.45 million Muslims are men which equals about 1.4 million. Generally speaking, 50% of these men are married so we can extrapolate that about 700 thousand men are single and available and another 700 thousand are still married. So let’s focus on the single men that are available, the 700 thousand eligible muslim bachelor’s in the US.
How many Muslims in the West are practicing Muslims? Meaning they pray 5 times a day, don’t drink, are not promiscuous and focus on remembering God? That number is not known exactly but from personal experience in the American-Muslim community, practicing Muslims is way less than 50%. To remain optimistic, let’s say that it is 50% which means about 350,000 Muslim men are practicing.
As far as wealth is concerned, the average income for a man in the USA is about $50,000 in 2021. A man making $70,000 or more is in the 15% percentile of all men in the USA. So let’s generally apply this percentage to the remaining practicing Muslims in the USA and we are left with 52,500 men in the US that are both practicing and making over $70 thousand a year.
Let’s look at some other stats that can breakdown the availability of the man that you’re looking for from the 52,000 men we’re talking about.
Looks – If you’re looking for a man that is average height 5’9” or taller than the numbers dwindle to 26 thousand men. Add to it that 36% of men are considered obese so exclude them from the high-value number and you’re left with about 16 thousand eligible bachelors who are considered High-Value in the USA.
Now add to that personal preference of ethnic background, handsomeness, charisma, and your numbers are dwindling into the single digit thousands. But let’s remain optimistic, and stick to the 16 thousand number.
Putting it All Together
A high value man, in general, from the Western perspective is required to have all of the traits listed above in some form or another. For example, a man making $70,000 a year who is overweight and lacking charisma is not someone the majority of women will consider as a long-term partner. Does it happen? Yes, but most of the time, the man is bringing something else to the relationship or the woman that they are marrying doesn’t have as many options of her own. Both parties are settling. There is nothing wrong with that.
Understanding the Mating Market Place is important. So if you’re not willing to settle and you want a High-Status Man then realize you have over 700 thousand eligible muslim women looking to marry around 16 thousand High Status men.
If you’re working towards being a high value man, I would say the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) gave us the best example of what a high-value man is. What the West says is a high-value man are just add-ons. Make your money with the intention of finding the best wife for you. Understand that what women will sometimes say they want is not necessarily the deciding factor, and in some cases will hurt your chances during courtship and marriage.
Final Thoughts – Conclusion
Some other situations that need to be taken into consideration is that if you are not willing to settle and are intent on looking for the perfect man. Let’s say a High-Value Man who has never been married, lives alone (meaning parents don’t live with him), doesn’t have kids, owns his property, travels regularly is your ideal mate. This man is extremely limited and your ability to get that man’s attention and keep it is based all on your prayers. May Allah(saw) help you.
A man like that is going to get married quickly and more than likely not going to be found on dating apps. That is the type of person that you meet through family and friends and rarely will you meet them in public. If you do, rarely are they willing to give you a chance, unless you yourself have qualities that are difficult to find.
Women in general do not understand what the average man has to deal with. What they consider high-value and available to them is based on social media and dating apps. What women don’t understand is that men who are willing to date you and/or test your promiscuity doesn’t translate to marriage, especially if you’re not willing to become a second wife, which is something that I will discuss in a separate article. Social media and dating apps are skewing the Mating Marketplace to the point where both sexes are struggling to find a suitable spouse.
