How to Evaluate a High Value Woman

Introduction

What is a High Value Woman? Is it necessary to define a high value woman?  I don’t think it’s necessary to define human beings and assign value to them.  However, I’ve realized that men and women are both lacking an understanding of what the opposite sex is looking for in a spouse.  I’m hoping this article will help women realize what most men are looking for in a spouse and give them something to strive for. I also hope it helps men who have lost relationships because of unrealistic expectations be more realistic in what they are looking for.

Let’s start with the framework.   I’m using  the framework of Islam and evaluating the definition against some common characteristics that men and women use to define a high value woman.  There are three major views I plan to discuss.  First, the Islamic framework of a high-value woman.  Second, a western definition of a high-value woman from 2 sources: what men define as high-value in the West (the Red Pill) and what most men say qualifies a woman as having high-value.

Common Terms

Common terms that need to be clarified for the purpose of this discussion:

The Mating Market Place – The entire pool of men and women that are eligible for marriage.

Value of a woman – the sum of all the different categories that give a woman value.

The categories will be defined in this article separately, based on three major definitions

What men in the West say they want (and what they don’t say aloud but also want)

What common categories are defined by Western frameworks (the Red Pill)

What categories are defined by an Islamic framework

High-Value Woman – Someone whose sum of all categories is a lot higher than the majority of women in the Mating Market Place

I plan to explain the perspective of the major frameworks that define different categories.  After that, I’m going to choose specific categories to define the value of a woman.  Finally, I’m going to give a breakdown of how to assign value to a woman and what a High-Value woman is.

There is a famous saying of the Prophet Muhammad(PBUH):  When you are looking to marry a woman, marry for the following reasons.  Most importantly marry a woman for her connection to God (Piety).  Next marry a woman for her beauty (sexual attraction). Next for her status, and finally marry a woman for her wealth.

The number one reason to marry a woman in Islam is her connection to God.  Does she trust that her destiny is in God’s hands?   What kind of relationship does she have with God? A woman who doesn’t pray, has no connection to God, and does not believe in God’s plan is not worth marrying.  Most people do not change after marriage, and to expect a woman to build that relationship after marriage is not likely to happen.  I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen, but it’s rare.  What are the positives to having a wife that is Godly before marriage?

The fear of God and the impact on bad behavior on your destiny will keep a woman from making bad decisions before she gets married.  More likely to be chaste.  More likely to prepare for life as a wife.  More likely to have thought about life as a mother to your children.

There was an article I read where a middle aged man was giving advice to young men about marriage.  He was in his twenties and his parents arranged his marriage.  When he met his future spouse, he didn’t find her attractive.  She wasn’t the supermodel he felt he deserved.  But his parents convinced him to get married.  His description of his situation before marriage, describing this woman, was sad.  He saw no redeeming qualities from a physical stand point in this woman.  He changed his mind shortly after marriage.  When he wrote the article he was the father of three children.  His wife was the most valuable person in his life.  His accolades included her waking him up for morning prayer regularly.  When they had hard times she was always reassuring, pushing him to stay positive when he lost his job.  The way she managed the household, putting his needs before her own, creating a loving and caring environment for his children, for his parents, and creating a peaceful home for him to come home to.  His recommendation in the article was to marry a woman who trusts God, because that trust translates to a happy home.

Part of the requirements in Islam is that you have to give alms to the poor and those in need.  A woman who believes in Destiny understands that the wealth that God has granted you is a test.  Part of being wealthy is the ability to identify those who are in need and give from your wealth to please God.  Because so many marriages end in divorce due to issues with finances, you will find many women reluctant if not combative when it comes to giving away wealth to others.  That is not an argument that should ever occur in a Muslim household.  A high value woman in Islam networks with others in the community and is always looking for those in need that her family can help.

Fasting is a major part of being a practicing muslim.  A high value woman in Islam prepares her family for fasting by prepping the morning meal and makes sure her family has what they need to break their fast.  A high value muslim woman thinks about the needs of her spouse and goes the extra mile to make sure he has the most nutrition to get him through the day.  Provides a stress free environment when her husband comes home, gives him space for a mid-day nap before breaking fast.

One of the major goals you have to achieve in life is to go on pilgrimage (Hajj).  Traveling for Hajj for the average household is expensive and requires saving for years.  A woman who works towards the goal of saving for Hajj is a gem.  Every muslim woman wants to go to Hajj, only a high value woman takes action towards the goal.

It is highly recommended that you marry someone that you find sexually attractive.  A woman’s beauty is physical but also includes the way she carries herself.  A woman that has sexual experience carries herself and interacts with men very different from a woman who has limited experiences with men.  The lack of experience with other men is a turn on for most men.  Physical beauty will degrade over time but for the most part a woman’s values and manners are something that will withstand the test of time and are something that she will pass on to your children.  The way a woman carries herself is just as important to her beauty for the long term as her short term sexual attraction.

Men will find a woman who dresses like a stripper attractive, but know that once a man has decided to be in a relationship with a woman, the majority of times, he is going to ask her to change the way she dresses to be more appropriate to the relationship.  Women in the west have a tendency to dress provocatively to attract male attention.  But once you’re in a relationship, they continue to dress to get male attention from men other than their husband. 

In Islam women are taught to not become sex objects and dressing provocative is a non starter for a relationship, however, what defines provocative dress in the west has been watered down to the point that covering your body is enough, where as showing off your curves like wearing a spandex body suit but wearing a hijab is considered acceptable.  In Islam that’s not the case, Hijab is considered wearing your clothes and having the types of manners that do not influence men to lust after you.

Ex. I was with some friends at the gym, a mix of Muslims and non-Muslims.   On a regular basis my friends would approach women at the gym, hit on them, have a casual sexual relationship and move on.  There was a beautiful hijabi woman who would come and workout regularly but none of my friends ever approached her.  To me, she dressed provocatively and the way she carried herself was not in a way that a hijabi would carry herself.  But, just the head scarf alone, told my friends that she was a woman who belonged to God and they never approached her.  One of my muslim friends specifically said to me that he wouldn’t approach her until his mindset was set on marriage rather than the dating life.  Mind you, I don’t believe the way these men behaved was in anyway a good way for high value men to act.

Status is very important to a man. You can take anything away from a man, but the loss of status for a man is the most regrettable.

Ex. I had a friend in high school.  Big mouth, quick on his feet with comebacks.  Good looking, generally most of the girls in the school wanted to be his girlfriend.  One day, he talked back to a guy who was a freshman and smaller than my friend.  The other guy smacked my friend a couple of times, and from that point on, no one wanted to be associated with my friend.  We’d say hi to each other in the hallway, but I wasn’t hanging out with him as much anymore.  I didn’t realize why until years later, that him getting smacked made him lose all of his status, and I unconsciously realized that my association with him would cause me to lose my status as well  (I was not a good friend in High School).

Having a woman that walks into a room with a man that other men in the same room have had sex with, causes that man to lose status.  Having a woman that respects herself and respects her man causes her man to gain status.  A woman talking back to her husband in public is disrespectful and the man loses status and even respect for himself (depression will follow).  On the opposite spectrum, a man comes home brings with him dinner guests unexpectedly, his wife without hesitation sets the dinner table for the extra guests, no complaints, just welcoming, will without a doubt raise his status in the community. 

A high value woman understands how her actions impact her husband and his families status.  She understands that as her husbands status increases so does her status.

There is also status that comes from marrying into a good family.  For example, if I marry a woman whose family is in politics, that relationship will hep me raise my status.  Marrying a woman whose family has connections allows you and your family to have access to people that you normally wouldn’t, and that is something you should look at as a condition of marriage.  People in the past would marry the leaders of different communities to create a bond between those communities.  A prominent, thing that happens to this day is that royalty marries other royalty specifically for the purpose of holding onto their status.

Marry a woman for her wealth.  The least important thing on the list, but still important to a relationship is her wealth.  If a woman already has wealth and is willing to provide that wealth in your relationship, will make your life a lot easier.  For the most part, in Islam a man has to be the provider and protector for his family, but a woman who understands that wealth is just a means to an end is a rarity.  If she is willing to be submissive, loving, and supportive to her husband even when she brings more wealth to the relationship makes her someone worth having in your relationship.

The best example of a great wife.  Who provided more wealth then her husband in the relationship but still carried herself as a wife. Who raised her husband’s status would be Khadijah (May God be pleased with her), the first wife of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).  She raised his status, comforted him, and loved him even before he became a Prophet.  She stayed with him and encouraged him throughout the hardest times of his prophethood, when the entirety of his community turned on him.  She was still there… She treated her wealth as their wealth and supported the Prophet through all of his hardships until the day she passed away.

The red pill uses psychology as a basis for what it defines as a woman most pleasing to a man.  Here is a list of what defines a high value woman in the red pill space.

One of the most controversial statements that the red pill makes is that a woman can only have a high value status if she has the ability to retain a High Value Man. 

Ex. A woman who makes a lot of money, is a boss ‘b’ and considers herself independent, beautiful etc. is not considered a high value woman unless she can attract and keep a high value man.  Kim Kardashian comes to mind as someone who fits this mold.  She is famous, has a lot of followers, but she lacks the ability to retain a high status man and therefore is not a high status woman according to the red pill.  ‘Recreational use only’ is what she would be qualified as in the red pill.

According to the red pill, a high value woman has to add value to your life that exceeds the normal everyday activities that come with a wife or girlfriend.  Sex, cooking and cleaning are an expectation from all relationships, but what additional value do you offer a man for him to elevate you to a higher status in his life?

An example of a high value woman, would be someone who knows her partner is open to polygamy and helps her partner find another high quality woman to be with.  Another example would be a woman who helps schedule her partner’s day for him and tries to make his life easier.

The only purpose in having a relationship is to have an easier and more peaceful home.  Having a partner who is not aggressive and argumentative when you come home is a must.  A woman who argues with you about your rules and desires is not worth retaining in your life.

The most controversial aspect of the red pill  framework is that high value men have options and a high value woman has to be willing to share her partner.  One of the most significant psychological proofs of the red pill is that the majority of women that are available in the dating marketplace (Over 50%) are all going after the same guy (10% of men).

Given this major disparity in the dating marketplace, a high value woman understands that her partner will love her, care for her, provide for her and always return to her.  However, when women who are younger (potentially) more attractive are constantly wanting a high value man’s attention, it is the general red pill opinion that he’s earned the right to have a relationship with multiple women.

Generally speaking what men want is a woman who is beautiful.  Looks carry a lot of weight in what a man is looking for in a relationship.  A beautiful woman who get the attention of multiple men but she only has eyes for her man raises a man’s status.

Following beauty or is promiscuity.  A woman who is beautiful but has been with many men loses her value.  If a man walks into a room with his wife/girlfriend, if any man in the room has had sex with her or knows a man who has shared a bed with her, that man’s value decreases and therefore a woman who is promiscuous lacks value.

Even a beautiful woman needs to add some additional value to the relationship.  Cooking, cleaning, having the ability to manage a household, raise children and have a general peaceful nature are traditional values that a lot of men are still looking for.

Based on what men generally say they want, the western framework and the Islamic framework, the type of woman that is considered high value is one who is god conscious, chaste, attractive, has manners, raises a man’s status, and makes his life easier either with what she brings or what she contributes to the household.

It’s a very difficult thing to assess a high value woman for several reasons.  First and foremost the traits a high value woman possesses are something that are taught and inherent in the way she behaves and carries herself.  Data used to track work hours, wealth, education etc. doesn’t  translate to tracking a high value woman.  For example a highly educated woman- a doctor for example, brings value to her community by saving lives, but does that translate to her ability to be a good wife and care for her husband.  It’s a controversial take because without a doubt a woman who is a doctor has status in her community, is doing good work (hopefully to please her creator) has value.   However, after working so hard for her community is she putting in the same effort to take care of her husband?  At the end of the day if she’s not willing to put in the effort to keep her husband happy and raise his status in the community she lacks value in the relationship.  The community may look at her as someone of value because of her work, but overall if she’s demeaning/disrespectful to her partner, whether they say it out loud or not, she’s not a woman of high value especially in comparison to a hard working woman who raises her husband’s value in the community.  I would argue a woman who doesn’t work but focuses her life on caring for her husband and her children, is keeping her family connected to God, maintains a peaceful household and understands marriage is a lifetime contract, has limitless value.

The fact that the majority of marriages end in divorce (over 55%) and that more than 80% are initiated by women, shows that the majority of women are failing at creating and sustaining value in their relationships.  Although marriage requires both parties to contribute and sustain a long term relationship, I would argue that the majority of divorces occurring today are based on feelings and men are less likely to fall prey to making decisions based on feelings (feelings can change by the minute/day/week/month).  They stay committed to a fault, usually waiting for their partners to see the sacrifices that are being made because that’s what men are taught… sacrifice of your self for the betterment of your family, but in return their partners are focused on self gratification and are being taught by social media that ‘you only live once’ and focus on your own happiness.  That ‘short term gratification’ mentality is the mentality of a woman who lacks value from a relationship perspective.  She is more focused on her self than the relationship and the short term personal gain over long term happiness.

Finding a high value woman in the west is a gamble.  Even if a woman comes from a stable household, whether she’s a housewife or someone highly educated, at the end of the day what makes her someone who is of high value is whether or not she can sustain a stable relationship for life.  If she can be swayed by her feelings 10 years into her marriage to leave because she’s feeling unfulfilled or bored, she lacks value.  So the real question to ask is how gullible is she? Is she easily swayed by social media? Does she understand the value of loyalty over money?  Does she believe in Destiny and does she see God’s hand in creating and sustaining her marriage?

Putting it all Together

A lot of women evaluate themselves as having high value. Mostly because they are comparing themselves as equal to men. Because they value these traits in the partner they are looking for.  A woman (generally speaking) will say to herself, I make a lot of money therefore I’m high value and I deserve a man who makes as much as me if not more.  I would argue that if you’re a successful business woman (top tier – upper 20% of earners) than you have all the qualities of a masculine woman and are very likely to ruin your relationship.  If you’re a woman in a leadership position and you are forced to make life changing decisions, you are prone to arguing your perspective regularly, and in a lot of cases forcing your co-workers to adopt your point of view (traits found in a lot of men and successful women).  If you truly admire and respect your partner you’re not going to bring that mentality home with you, but that’s rare,  if 50-60 hours a week you’re used to being the boss, that mentality is going to creep into your relationship and whether you realize it or not, it’s going to destroy your relationship.  I would also argue that the amount of money you make severely limits the pool of candidates.  Most women will not  marry a man who makes less money then them, and will more than likely lose respect for their partner over time unless he’s able to make more money then them.  A man usually doesn’t care about how much money a woman makes because the majority of relationships don’t require a woman to be the financial provider, women in the west also have a tendency to assume that what their husband makes is partially there’s and what she makes 100% belongs to herself.  So a woman’s finances have no bearing for a man as to whether or not she qualifies as a high value partner.

I have come across a lot of women who prioritize their independence as a selling point for a relationship.  I ask the questions:  

• ‘Who do you think finds your independence attractive?’ 
• ‘Who are you independent of?’ 
• ‘Are you independent of your family?’ 
• ‘From having to need a man?’

I would say the ‘Independent Mindset’ is the biggest red flag when looking for a high value woman.  A high value woman is looking to be dependent on her husband and provide value to the relationship in a way where her husband is dependent on her as well.  This type of co-dependency is special in that a man provides financial stability, security, and a framework to the family, and his wife magnifies what he brings by adding resourcefulness, care, compassion and tranquility.

I’m speaking generally, and in today’s society if both parties have to work to survive, then they have to come to terms with the fact that they will not have a traditional relationship. In that case there has to be a different dynamic in the family, but ultimately a high value woman still brings tranquility to the household.

To be a high value woman, can you genuinely add value to your partners life.  A man will first and foremost seek out a woman for her beauty.  How do you turn that beauty into an asset for your partner?  You limit who has access to it, if only your husband has access to you this gives him status and increases your value as well as his.  Do you have a connection to the creator?  If you pray regularly, and trust in God, you know that hard times are always around the corner (Guaranteed you will be tested with hardship).  Knowing that your husband is facing hard times, waking him up for regular prayers, reminding him of God’s favors on you both, trusting in God’s plan makes you a woman of limitless value. Worrying constantly, degrading his choices in life, disrespecting him privately/publicly – shames both you and him.  Someone who is willing to leave her husband because of hard times is not someone of value.  Every woman is willing to marry a man with resources. But is she willing to stay with you when those resources are lacking or not up to her standards? A woman who helps you build is worth staying with forever in a man’s eyes.

Conclusion

A long lasting relationship requires trust, love and respect.  These are all feelings, and unfortunately once a partner loses any of these for you, your relationship is over.  The problem with feelings is that they can change at a whim.  A woman has all of these for her husband when she marries him, but seeing his day to day life, will she lose that love because she finds his habits are unattractive?  If he confides in her that he’s worried about his status at work, will she lose trust in him as a provider?  If you’re a woman that gets caught up in her feelings and doesn’t focus on her union to her partner for eternity, or doesn’t understand that the vulnerability or flaws that your partner shows you are for your eyes only and he needs you to cover those flaws from the world to see, then you’re not a partner of value.

As a high value woman, find out what you wants out of life.  I always ask a woman to describe her perfect day from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to sleep 5-10 years from now.  It gives you an idea of what she prioritizes in her life.  A man needs to do the same.  How different are your descriptions? How much of your perfect day are you willing to change to meet your partner’s description.   A woman of value should want her husband to lead and be willing to prioritize his goals over her own.  If both of their goals align even better.  But a high value woman is one who understands that the success of her family, in congruence with God’s commands, is the most important thing she can focus on.